Confession, Acknowledgements
There are too many caveats to apply to what culminates in this post. For starters, I am not an academic and I have no degrees. If you need credentials for a story, an interpretation, or conclusions about life, than check out now. I sell cigarettes, tobacco, candy and groceries for a living on behalf of a wholesaler, and to this point it has provided me comfort enough to love my family as well as ponder life to the point where I feel a need to use my gift of the written word to express how I feel in a way that hopefully inspires. I say this for two reasons: 1) If what follows causes you to feel pain, anger, or frustration, then forget about it as quickly as possible. 2) Too many things that I have read or experienced have shaped me, but there will be no footnotes.
This is a blog post and I will give general acknowledgements to the following: the numerous friends and family from numerous backgrounds, and recently I've been shaped by the Homebrewed Christianity series, Phil Gully, and everything that shaped what they wrote, write and speak. If I left you out, please forgive me, because suing me will not get you enough money to heal the resentment.
Intro/Testimony
With regard to the postmodern world we live in, it would be improper and disorderly if I did not give at least some sort of account of who I am, where I'm from, and how this particular writing came to be. I am white, I was born in the US and I take for granted the comfort these two factors provide me. I've already mentioned the lack of formal education above, so you'll just have to take my word for it when I say the luxury of being white in America causes me great distress the more I become aware of the cost. My wife is from Haiti, and if I am aware of nothing else I am aware of how the realities out of her control shape her and me by extension. We have two children, and this is for their generation in search of a better way.
About two weeks before Christmas 2016, I started a slow decline into anxiety and depression. At the time, I didn't know why. I had always been pretty laid back throughout life, and had been through some tough times, but taking things in stride had always been one of my strengths even to the point where it caused harm for others when I would do the bare minimum to get by and address problems by avoiding conflict and finding my happy place. These issues become bigger with each life change: marriage, apartment, first child, lost job, lost apartment, moved in with mother in-law, second child, new job, back to apartment, better job, first house, etc. (cliff notes version)
In the midst of life changes, I was dealing with some really hard realities. My Grandpa was dying slowly of Parkinson's and I was taking a couple hours every other Monday to stay with and help care for him just so my Grandma could get a break to not think about Grandpa dying and get other things done or rest. In April 2016, Grandpa passed on from this life. Over the summer, I dealt with fleas as the result of a cat for the home which had mice which will make for a great updated version of "The Lady Who Swallowed the Fly" someday. As funny as that may sound at the moment you read it, let me assure you that fleas are Hell and as a result the cat had to go (there were other issues with the cat as well). On top of this, on Saturday October 22nd I got a call in which I found out my close friend and mentor Robert Eckert had passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Life is fleeting, but if you can believe it, I navigated all of this with a reasonable degree of sanity. Then, in November, the US elected Donald J Trump to be president, and while this in and of itself is horrible enough, for me it was the cherry on top of the shit cone.
Before I start to philosophize, theologize (made up word, once again sorry for not being academically inclined), and wax poetic, let me backtrack and explain a little bit more about myself: All of my Grandparents are Baptist (with a capital B) and I grew in an environment that started from that point. If you're still caring enough to read this far, keep reading, because the context of my message and to whom it is written are inseparable from who I am, how I've grown and continue to grow. My dad and mom over time have shifted to drastically different beliefs about God, politics and community, among other things, and I am the oldest child but still remember the changes and growing through it. I'll let them tell their story, but for me I went from a child who had no doubts about the existence of God to an adult who was in church for the relationships and boiled God and Jesus down until they were nothing more than motivations for my liberal political and social views. What I now realize is that when you are fighting for political ideals, social ideals, or a vision about how YOU think the world SHOULD be, you will NEVER be truly happy. It is in the midst of this reality that the war for our souls is raged. I hate to generalize, but most of us live in a reality between skeptical atheists and for lack of a better term religious literalists (also not a "real" word).
Affirmation of, Response and Appeal to Skeptics
For the people who take scripture as literal up to and including denying scientific realities, you'll have to take the call to forgive literally. Part of the problem of why we can't move forward globally is because the many people who have contributed to scientific discovery, much of which has benefited society, are told that their conclusions are rubbish because they don't fit a particular version of God. As a result, most scientists remain agnostic if not atheist, and if anyone was the recipient of the type of hate and condemnation they receive just because the conclusions they draw don't fit someone else's expectation of what God SHOULD be, then they'd probably be atheist too. To anyone reading this who may not believe in God or is trying to sort things out for themselves, let me just pause and say as someone who identifies as Christian, I'm sorry. You matter. Your questions matter. Your feelings matter. And scientists say the universe is made up of matter, so with the exception of anti-matter everything literally matters. To the many agnostics and atheists who have contributed and sacrificed for the benefit of humanity: Thank you! You might be wondering why you started reading this and are still reading this, to which I'd say it's a God coincidence, but thank you all the same.
As someone who believed in God, but was socially and politically liberal, let me just say that is an angry way to live. I loved Bill Maher up to the point where he started talking religion and loved my family up to the point where they started talking politics. I've had several epiphanies in my life, but one of them came from seeing a debate between Richard Dawkins and Alistair McGrath. The debate was mostly highly academic and mostly above my head, but one part stood out: After much debate that changed no one's mind, McGrath asked Dawkins why he is always so angry toward religion, and for the first time I saw another emotion from Dawkins. He said he was so angry because he was frustrated with children so deluded into believing that in order to get somewhere better they have to blow themselves and others to bits. He didn't say this in anger, but in genuine sadness and confusion. It turns out Richard Dawkins has feelings, which would sadly still be a revelation to many who are apologetic today. It is also sad that we can't put our beliefs aside and work towards combating environments that foster extreme violence and suffering, but more on that later.
I now want to (finally) respond to the main critique of atheism and what I consider to be a fruitless endeavor, but it should be noted that I can't say enough how badly I feel at how these individuals and their critical work have been treated by many in the name of whatever or whomever.
The crux of the matter is an unsolvable question, if we're truly being honest: Does God exist? What do I mean by unsolvable? Not that we don't have to make a judgement and move forward, but that the problem isn't with answering the question, it's what we do after we answer the question. When a Pentecostal preacher from Arkansas (stereotype to prove a point) hears Sam Harris, Bill Maher, Richard Dawkins, or Neil deGrasse Tyson question God or blatantly state as fact that there is no God, that is all they hear. What I've found is that these folks are not so much frustrated by who God is or could be, but what is done heinously in the name of God but is not of God at all.
I can only speak for me, but if there is no God then what really matters? What authority does anyone have to say anything? I get it that they think removing God makes this life and world matter more, but for so many removing the very reason they have to be slightly better people on any level has the opposite effect. If there is no God, then death is better than suffering. If there is no God then there is no incentive to improve a place that is only temporary anyway. If there is no God, why shouldn't I do whatever I want? I say these things not because the common good and doing the right thing shouldn't matter in and of themselves, but because for many they don't. There are real concerns that science raises that we can address without trying to change anyone's mind about God's reality or lack thereof. Furthermore, and on top of denying God's existence as an irrefutable fact, there are many who in their rush to disprove God because of all the injustice done in His/Her name through religion are not being open about their own blind spots and the evil done in the name of the pursuit of science. Yes, science has brought awareness and increased comfort. It has also contributed in misuse to the suffering of others on a mass scale. Weapons are more deadly and efficient. The industrial revolution and efficiency of fossil fuels have contributed to the planet's decline, and God didn't have anything to do with it. So my appeal to the skeptic is: Can you put your lack of faith into action and leave God, faith, and religion out of it when you try to rally around just causes or raise legitimate concerns? The second you attach God to your concerns you empower the very thing you're trying to fight.
A Critique of and Appeal to Apologists
I am quite sure that many who read this will trip over themselves to tear me down if they care enough to do so. It is baffling to me how many people (and to some extent myself included) feel the need to construct beliefs or ideas on the wrongness of the other. We cannot just disagree and move on. Somehow we have a need to treat doubt or disbelief as cancerous and try to be rid of it to our own detriment and the detriment of others. Religion is a source of love and support for so many, but we humans get a hold of it and use it as a weapon to demean others. You see, it's not simply the question of if God exists, many feel they have to convince everyone to believe in God the way they see Him (definitely not Her!!!!). What would happen if people worshiped God as they saw fit and didn't feel the need to convert others to their way of thinking in totality? Can we be content with who we are and join with others for a common good without trying to change minds? I don't know if the chicken or egg came first, but would atheists be so public if so many religious folk didn't feel the need to enforce their will on others? The paradox is that people are often changed more by our character and actions than with our stated beliefs.
This is, for me, the most difficult problem: There is so much willful ignorance scattered throughout religion and in Christianity in the west in particular, that it is extremely difficult to not throw the baby out with the bath water. I can only appeal to Christian apologists with my own experience: I know beyond reasonable doubt that systematic racism exists because I've experienced it firsthand through witnessing friends and family, and not in subtle ways. To see people who claim Christ willfully oppress others simply because they are different makes me angry. What also makes me angry is when people who have dedicated themselves to scientific discovery are refuted with the Bible, which not only predates modern science, it was never written (NOT ONE WORD) with the intention of drawing scientific conclusions. My appeal to apologists is this: Stop attacking. If you believe everyone has value, start treating them like it. If you believe life is sacred, start treating all life as sacred AFTER it comes into being. Stop preaching and start listening. I promise you that if you try hard enough to find God in the worst people you can imagine, you can find God within them. I believe to truly love Jesus is to love love who he loved: people who were, according to the narratives, outcasts within the society and time Jesus lived in. Jesus wasn't a Christian and you wouldn't be had he not used his faith rooted in Judaism to love intentionally those who not only weren't Jewish, but many of which were hated by Jews.
Conclusion
If you've made it this far on a random and obscure blog post, thank you. You're probably wondering how I got through, or if I got through my anxiety. Throughout the ordeal I said prayers I didn't know I still believed. I sought advice from family and friends who directed me to counseling. I went on medication for a period. I wouldn't have made it through without my church family. I wouldn't have made it through if I hadn't taken faith steps regardless of and before I believed.
Maybe you are too far gone to believe in God, but deep down you know there's something bigger that matters. Could it be that maybe God is bigger than doubts and beliefs and can be found in the depths of the subconscious that push us to love and to keep grinding it out in the face of cruel uncertainty?
Maybe you are certain of God and only the God you believe in. Why are you special enough to receive God's grace at the expense of others, if your definition of "special" requires the lack thereof in anyone else?
Maybe you are certain of science and the scientific method. Could it be that there are truths deeper than what can be materially observed? Is there limitation to a human construct? Could God be within our processes?
I can't resolve the conflict between good and evil. I don't think God can be proven. One person's epiphany is another's coincidence. Our own personal and communal biases dictate how we interpret everything. I can only tell you the way I have chosen to get out of the conundrum. Love. If you do nothing else love your family, and when you are strong enough to love your family love your neighbors, and if you can bring yourself to love your neighbors, then love your enemies, and when you have no enemies it is in that space you will find God. This may be simply stated but it is the most difficult to achieve. In an age where technology has increased our awareness of the world, it is so easy to be cynical and to think that nothing really matters. Yes, people suffer, but I believe there are more people in the world who desire peace than those who desire violence. When all is said and done, the powerful die just the same, and we can let bitterness isolate us or we can recognize the inherent value we all share and love our way through it. Regardless of what happens, I choose the hard path. I choose love.
Peace
P.S. I should have mentioned this earlier, but even this blog post is not a destination or universal conclusion, it is an ongoing conversation. My heart is that this will bring peace, but if you take issue with anything I wrote, feel free to contact me in a civil manner. Theses very conflicts I write about are as much my struggle as anything.
.jpg)
